


Yorozuya Incorrect Quotes

by Smashcontrol



Category: Gintama
Genre: Funny, Gen, If they appear once I tag, Incorrect Quotes, Memes, Rated T for language, Tags Are Hard, Tumblr Memes, characters not in order of appearance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-23
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:27:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 1,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26070367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Smashcontrol/pseuds/Smashcontrol
Summary: Things Yorozuya and the rest of the cast would say, but didn't.
Comments: 14
Kudos: 109





	1. Week 1

**Kagura** : Hey guys, Gin-chan is in the pool and I don't think he's water proof

**Otae** : I think she's trying to say that Gin-san is drowning

**Shinpachi** : Oh, okay

**Shinpachi** :

**Shinpachi** : wait whAT

* * *

**Madao, standing on the edge** : I'm gonna jump

**Okita, over a megaphone** : Do a backflip

* * *

**Kamui** : Go big or go home!

**Abuto, tears in his eyes** : I'm begging you. For once in your life, go home. Please. Just this once. Go home.

**Kamui** : I'm going big 

* * *

**Ayumu** : Young master, what is the first thing you notice when a man approaches you?

**Kyuubei** : The audacity 

* * *

**Tatsuma, loading a NERF gun with real bullets** : It's NERF or nOtHING

* * *

**Client** : Excuse me, who's in charge here?

**Kagura** : It's usually whoever yells the loudest

* * *

**Otae, grabbing Gintoki by the hem of his shirt** : SAY YOU'RE SORRY

**Gintoki** : I'M SORRY

**Otae** : And what are you sorry for?!

**Gintoki** : FOR SAYING YOU'RE AGGRESSIVE

* * *

**Kagura, pointing at a high shelf** : Can you reach that for me?

**Okita** : So you need me in your life after all

**Kagura** : I could replace you with a step ladder


	2. Week 2

[Playing cards]

**Tatsuma** : *shows cards* Ace of spades!

**Katsura** : *throws UNO card* Card +4 colors!

**Gintoki** : *shows Pokemon card* Pikachu, I choose you!

**Takasugi** : WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE PLAYING!!!

* * *

**Kagura** : Knowledge is knowing that tomatoes are a fruit

**Gintoki** : Wisdom is not putting them in a fruit salad

**Katsura** : Philosophy is wondering whether or not that makes ketchup a smoothie

**Shinpachi** : Common sense is knowing that ketchup isn't a freaking smoothie

* * *

**Gintoki** : I could just rob the dollar store whenever I wanted

**Gintoki** : Cause if I got caught I would owe them like 7 dollars

**Hijikata, already taking out the handcuffs** : I hope you have fun in jail

* * *

**Hijikata** : I pulled you over for going 68 on a 55

**Gintoki** : Damn, 68? Can you make the number sound cooler so I can hear the judge say it out loud?

**Hijikata** :

**Hijikata** : Sure, whatever

[Later in court]

**Judge** : How were you going 420 in a 55

* * *

**Kagura** : Can I have a piece of cake form the fridge?

**Gintoki** : What's the rule?

**Kagura, sighing** : No cake after dinner...

**Gintoki** : No, that's Shinpachi's rule. My rule is you have to get me a slice too

* * *

**Kongo** : Sougo, why are you smiling?

**Sougo** : Can't I just smile once in a-

**Yamazaki** : Vice Commander Hijikata tripped and fell flat on his face in the parking lot

* * *

**Gintoki** : So, what's bothering you?

**Shinpachi** : She always uses common phrases incorrectly!

**Kagura** : Oh! Cry me a table Shinpachi!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More next week! I kinda reject doing so many at the same time cuz I'm running out of quotes lol. Well, time to go hunt for more incorrect quotes on Tik Tok.


	3. Week 3

**Tatsuma, reading a fortune cookie** : If you kill a killer, the number of killers in the world stays the same

**Katsura** : Kill two

**Gintoki** : Kill ten

**Takasugi** : Kill all of them

* * *

**Shinpachi** : Words that end with ie are so cute! Like sweetie, cookie-

**Kagura** : Die

* * *

**Kamui** : You call it a near-death experience, I call it a vibe check from god

**Abuto** :

* * *

**Madao** : Sorry guys I can't go on this mission, stress is bad for the baby

**Gintoki** :

**Katsura** :

**Kagura** :

**Tatsuma** :

**Mutsu** :

**Sinpachi** : W

**Shinpachi** : What baby

**Madao** : Me

* * *

**Gintoki, on a job with the rest of Yorozuya** : It's just a 12-hour shift. What are you afraid is gonna happen?

**Madao** : Injury, death, general calamity. Just don't burn the place down

* * *

**Gintoki** : Tell me what happened

**Shinpachi** : Well, it started with Kagura trying to say the word "succulent"

**Gintoki** : Oh no

**Shinpachi** : And it ended in a small riot

* * *

**Tatsuma** : What is it called when you kill a friend?

**Katsura** : Homiecide

**Gintoki** : Murder

**Tatsuma** : Homiecide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if they're not as good quality as the others were, I found these on Tik Tok lol. I hope ya'll come back next week!


	4. Week 4

**Kagura** : Shit!

**Gintoki** : Watch your fucking language

* * *

**Hijikata** : What happened this time?

**Sougo** : I had NOTHING to do with it

**Hijikata** :

**Sougo** : Okay, it was my idea, but I don't feel good about it

**Hijikata** :

**Sougo** : Okay it was awsome

* * *

**Kagura** : Chillax

**Shinpachi** : That's not even a real word

**Kagura** : Sometimes, those who deny chillax are the ones who need to chillax the most

* * *

**Katsura** : We need a distraction. Are any of you good at jumping up and down and making annoying noises?

**Kagura** : My time has come

* * *

[Loud thudding noises]

**Shinpachi** : What was that?

**Gintoki** : A box fell down the stairs

**Shinpachi** : That sounded a lot louder than a box

**Gintoki** : Sarutobi was in it

* * *

**Isaburo** : Name one way to be nice to others

**Nobune** : Don't stab them

**Isaburo** : Setting the bar a little low, but I'll allow it

* * *

**Gintoki** : I don't need alcohol to make bad decisions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Frick online school, it's only the first week and I've already cried over homework ;_; How are ya'll managing because if you ask me, not very well.   
> Ngl, I kinda regret taking genetics. I thought it was gonna be a science class, not an English class. Seriously, making us annotate and write summaries.   
> Anyway, I'm done ranting. Pretty sure next week will be the last batch, so make sure to come back!


	5. Week 5

**Okita** : God give me patience

**Hijikata** : Isn't it "God give me strength"?

**Okita** : Hijikata-san, if God gave me strength, everyone would be dead

* * *

**Kagura** : Good morning father figure

**Gintoki** : Good morning problem child

* * *

**Seita** : Whoah, the moon is so big and pretty tonight!

**Hinowa** : Yeah, it is!

**Gintoki** : Should we tell them it's just a tortilla you threw at the window?

**Tsukuyo, tearing up** : Please don't

* * *

**Kondo** : There will be a moment when you'll have a chance to do the right thing!

**Okita** : Oh, I love those moments

**Okita** : I like to wave at them as they pass

* * *

**Kagura** : Gin-chan you're gonna need a transfusion! What's your blood type???

**Gintoki** : B... positive...

**Kagura** : I'm trying but you're bleeding a lot!!!

* * *

**Kagura** : I've only had Sadaharu for a day and a half, but if anything happened to him, I would kill everyone in this room and then myself

* * *

**Matako** : You need to react when people cry!

**Takasugi** : I did. I rolled my eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I almost forgot to upload this jsjsjjs. Anyway, this really was just filler material while I wrote the chapter for Strawberry Milk after I finally got my computer back, so this really is it. 
> 
> (Shameless self-promotion) If you guys want to please check out my other story, a Detective Conan x Gintama crossover, "Strawberry Milk Helps you Grow, Tantei-kun" and I hope you all have a wonderful day :)


	6. Extra 1

**Gintoki** : In alcohol’s defense, I’ve done some pretty dumb shit completely sober too

* * *

**Kagura** : Hey, do either of you know how to play the trumpet?

**Shinpachi** : ...why?

**Kagura** : I wanna wander around the house playing it to annoy Gin-chan

**Otae** : You realize you don’t actually need to know how to play it for that, right?

**Kagura** :

**Shinpachi** :

**Otae** :

**Kagura** : You have opened my eyes. Thank you.

* * *

**Gintoki** : Who are you?

**Enmi** : I’m you but more fucked up

* * *

**Kagura, yelling at Sougo** : ARE YOU-

**Gintoki** : Fucking

**Kagura** : KIDDING ME?!

**Hijikata** :

**Hijikata** : What was that?

**Gintoki** : Pachi-boy banned her from swearing so I’ve volunteered to help her out

**Hijikata** : I think you just like saying fuck for no reason

**Gintoki** : That doesn’t make my job any less important

* * *

**Gintoki** : We have fun, don’t we ‘Pachi?

**Shinpachi** : I have literally never been more stressed in my life

* * *

**Shinpachi** : What are you doing?

**Kagura, digging through a jar of M &M’s and putting some in a separate bowl** : Gin-chan really likes the green ones, so I’m separating them

**Shinpachi** : Aw, that’s so sweet!

**Kagura** : What? No. I plan to eat them in front of him and then run

* * *

**Kondo** : I don’t care how you do it, just make it happen

**Sougo** : I have to kill Hijikata-san?!

**Kondo** : No- what??? For the surprise party!

**Sougo** : Oh, ok, I was like, “Woah!” 

**Sougo** : I was down tho

* * *

**Gintoki, with his leg stuck to a chair** : Now, you may be asking, “How did you do this to yourself, Gin-chan?”

**Gintoki, trying to get unstuck** : Well kids, Gin-chan has no fucking clue either

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Incorrect quotes are just too much fun so I’ve decided that every time I gather 8 quotes, I’ll post them in an extra. The next bundle could come next week, next month, maybe never. Who knows…   
> Anyways, for those who follow Strawberry Milk, I think the next chapter will be a bit late so I apologize for that. One thing is certain tho, it will be out by thanksgiving break. I’ve already started to work on it and I’m really excited to show you all :)


	7. Extra: New Girl audio edition

**Hijikata** : DAMMIT! Everybody. Bathroom. Now!

**Okita** : What’s up Hijikata-san?

**Gintoki** : What?

**Hijikata** : Is somebody playing a joke on me? Honestly, why is my towel still damp?

**Gintoki** : ‘Cause it’s not your towel, it’s  _ my  _ towel

**Hijikata** : No it’s not your towel, your towel’s the red one

**Gintoki** : I’ll tell you this pal, I’ve never used  _ that _

**Gintoki, pointing to Hijikata** : I do use that one every single day

**Shinpachi** : Oh god…

**Okita, touching the red towel** : This towel is so warm and fluffy it’s like it’s been in the sun forever!

**Kagura** : This means you’ve been drying your junk with the same towel

**Okita** : Intimate

**Hijikata** : ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!

**Gintoki** : What do you mean am I-

**Hijikata** : How do you think this is your towel?! Do you even wash it?

**Gintoki, laughing** : No I don’t wash the towel, the towel washes me. Who washes a towel?

**Shinpachi** : You’ve never washed…

**Gintoki** : You wash your towel?

**Hijikata** : You’ve never washed the towel?!

**Gintoki** : What am I gonna do? Wash the shower next? Wash a bar of soap? You’ve gotta think here pal!

**Hijikata** : I am furious right now-

**Gintoki** : I get out of the damn shower, I’m clean as a damn baby, and I use the towel

**Hijikata** : Let me ask you this, have you been using my underpants?

**Gintoki** : Sometimes, yes. Who cares?

**Hijikata, gagging** : oh nohoho-

**Gintoki, to everyone else** : You guys don’t wear each other’s underpants? You’re lying-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is from the New Girl audio that I’ve seen on TikTok. I didn’t know if it’d translate well and it’s also kinda long so I decided to put it in its own chapter.
> 
> So umm… about Strawberry Milk… I might or might not be able to put out the next chapter before thanksgiving break ends. Idk, just suddenly had to do a bunch of stuff but I promise I’ll do my best (^--^)


	8. Extra 2

**Kagura** : Pachi, how do I get revenge on those who’ve wronged me?

**Shinpachi** : The best revenge is letting go and living well

**Kagura** :

**Kagura** : Hey Gin-chan, how do I get revenge-

* * *

**Katsura** : Do you ever want to talk about your feelings Gintoki?

**Gintoki** : No

**Sakamoto** : I do

**Katsura** : I know Sakamoto

**Sakamoto** : I’m sad

**Katsura** : I know Sakamoto

* * *

**Gintoki** : This is probably the second weirdest way I’ve almost died

**Hijikata** : What’s the first?

**Gintoki** : It’s very complicated, but long story short, I’m banned from every McDonald’s in the country

* * *

**Sakamoto** : Going to plan B?

**Gintoki** : Technically, this would be plan G

**Sakamoto** : How many plans do we have? Is there like, plan M?

**Katsura** : Yeah, but Gintoki dies in plan M

**Takasugi** : I like plan M

* * *

**Kagura, lying awake in a futon next to Gintoki’s** : Hey are you asleep yet?

**Gintoki** : Yes

**Kagura** : Oh okay, I won’t bother you then

[2 hours later]

**Kagura** : Wait a second-

* * *

**Hijikata** : I don’t have anger issues, you guys think I have anger issues?

**Sougo** : Well, I wouldn’t really call it an issue. An issue is something you can fix

* * *

**Gintoki** : It’s true Patsuan, you can probably get by without my advice. But why would you? I’m the smartest, most skilled man on this planet

**Shinpachi** : Are you stuck in that candy machine?

**Gintoki** : I paid for my candy, I’m getting my candy!

**Shinpachi** : Mmhmm. Kagura-chan, why aren’t you mocking him?

**Kagura, reveals hand stuck in a coffee pot** : I dropped a quarter in here

**Shinpachi** : Okay, I’m leaving

* * *

**Kamui** : If I cut off my leg and swing it at your head, am I hitting you or kicking you?

**Abuto** : You’ll probably end up mentally scaring me more than anything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just felt like saying thanks to everyone who has commented on my stories! It truly makes my day!
> 
> On other news, I think I’ll have to let go of the updates every two months for Strawberry Milk. Can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m going to a state-wide event which I need to study for. I already have the outline for the next chapter, I just need the time and motivation. 
> 
> Anyway have a happy new year!


End file.
